On a knife edge

Yesterday on the morning of the boy's banishment we were chasing around trying to find some wrapping paper for Grandma in Wales' present. For some curious reason that meant I put my hand in his coat pocket (not an obvious place for wrapping paper I'll grant you). And therein lies our next problem.

A knife. No not a butter knife hidden away to avoid the washing up, but a full on 'blade'. Which locks into place to create a fearsome weapon.

Knife culture has become quite a thing in the UK recently, and there's many a teenager that has paid for it with their life. Of course, most youngsters who've been caught carrying claim it's for defence. As indeed it probably is. But simply the act of carrying a knife can lead to terrible, tragic consequences. In this case, I'm not sure the idea was to even carry it...it was simply an object to have and to hold. But for me that was irrelevant, especially as it had been bought surreptitiously on the Sorrento trip where he'd been tasked with keeping a record of everything he'd spent.

Having spent the previous evening doing father-son bonding by hanging new blinds around the house (Boys and men do DIY you know), it all fell to pieces again.

It was a very angry father who put his son on a train to Cardiff

Banished

In fairy tales of yore princesses get banished to catles or towers distant. In greek mythology errant deities are sent to the underworld. In more recnt times political dissidents disappear to Siberia. On a lesser note it's not unheard of for people to be sent to Coventry.

After a truly miserable Easter the boy is being banished to Wales until the weekend. Hopefully the few days apart will enable us both to get our heads straight and everything back on an even keel. And at least Grandma in Wales will be truly delighted to share her 80th with both her grandchildren.

The boy was already in the doghouse after several conversations with the school had revealed a lack of commitment - not just with school work but with extra curricular activities including the swimming squad (dropping out when there were no immediate galas coming) and school play (lines not learnt by dress rehearsal. And this was crystalised by a poor school report.

For months there has been a plan to have professional portrait of the boy and his sister taken to give to his grandmother. This was set to be taken in Brighton which suited everyone. Last week it transpired the venue had shifted to Woodford. It didn't suit me as I'd prefer to spend the weekend in Brighton or his sister who had to drive two and a half hours to get there. As it was Saturday it had meant Good Friday was spent kicking our heels. I had reluctantly agreed that he could spend Saturday meeting his friends. It turned out this was his girlfriend and the long walk in the woods was certainly not focused on the dog they were supposed to be looking after.

Saturday pm, he announced he was planning to spend the next week helping friends with their revision. My eyebrows did a bit of a Roger Moore at that, and given the above, rather suspected thise wad just a way of seeing the girlfriend. His response was erm forthright, as indeed was mine. The upshot (at that point) was that it was his decision how he revised, I wouldn't tell him what to do, but he needed to be aware that IMHO it wouldn't lead to the good results he needed to get.

The boy has limited computer access to retrict time spent on MSN and prevent the viewing of in appropriate material. It transpired over the weekend that to get round the restrictions he had sneekily watched me log in to my laptop and had been using it when I was out.

I got barely a grunt of acknowledgement for the Easter egg I bought him and not even a creme egg in return...but then I did have to buy my own Christmas present.

Of course now I've put it all down it doesn't seem so bad; but then I've always thought of the blog as therapeutic. But in any case there are some trust issues, and my relaxed approach to parenting which has worked well in the past clearly needs significant modification now that boundaries are being stretched, challenged and broken. Can I have my little baby back please?

The selfish gene

Next Wednesday is Grandma in Wales' 80th birthday. That's a great achievement, especially as she remains as bright as a button and as sharp as a Sabatier carving knife. In any argument or discussion she's always been a fearsome opponent, and remains so to this day. Best not to engage. And she continues to dominate the home where she lives with the boy's 50 plus uncle in the way that you would expect of a Welsh Valleys matriarch. And she retains a cheery demeanour as she has done since the death of her daughter, the boy's mum, five years ago. She is stoic in the face of this terrible loss...a parent should never see the death of their child; sometimes I think she would have been better to let her grief out. But each person has to deal with grief in their own way.

She has made it clear that the traditional large party was not for her, but a smaller gathering of family would be just right. Not surprisingly her two grandchildren have been of the utmost importance over the last five years, so she's been looking forward to having them both down at the same time to celebrate her four score. So next weekend we journey west for a Saturday lunchtime celebration that has been organised for months.

Yesterday, whilst talking to Live at Home Uncle, I discovered that the boy's sister will not be there. Her father has decided to take her and her step brother away for the weekend to the Peak District. She will go instead on Wednesday. So I have been asked if I can take time off work from Wednesday so that the boy and his sister can be in Wales at the same time. It's not something I can do, and truth be told I'm not sure why I should. Perhaps I would if it was a one off - but its a pattern we've seen for the last five years and it makes my blood boil.

The boy won't go down by himself, because he's revising for his exams....and needs to catch up from his rather slack approach last term. So the celebration will be incomplete. Which is a crying shame.

The sister's father and family have an absolute disregard for any one other than themselves. But then this was a family that asked the estate trustees if the sister's inheritance could be used to build an extension on their house, and charged the girl rent from the moment she arrived full time....at the tender age of 15.

The rather tardy compromise will work for no one, but no doubt between knowing glances at the table next weekend, the issue will, yet again, be brushed under the carpet.

Easy living

"He needs to learn that charm is no substitute for hard graft" says the boy's latest school report. Yes, quite right...but actually (and don't tell him) there's many a person who's managed to carve a successful career out of charm and not hard work. They don't deserve it, but such is the world that charmers go places.

However, as 'good father' I've issued stern warnings, and backed that up by showing immense interest in his revision this holiday. Actually I'd rather not see some of it, as a reminder of the days I spent slogging away at knowledge that was quickly forgotten once the exam was finished.

And of course I don't want in any way to discourage his easy going, confident charm...it will serve him well. And since everyone around thinks he's a good looking lad who carries a guitar, he'll devastate the female population. So long as he never falls into the trap of thinking he's God's gift.

The poor fella is spending his days at home alone, and I feel for him immeasurably, as it can't be much fun, when all you've got to look forward to his a few hours swotting up on trigonometry. He has the option of coming into the office, but that doesn't appeal, given that it's an hour and a half on the sweaty tube. And his computer is now set so that it will only work for an hour a day.

Kind soul that I am, I think he can have four days off over Easter

The Spooky omnibus edition

The boy has returned from Sorrento. Veni, Vidi, Vici. I think. After seeing all those ancient remains, it's a real shame he's got to give up classics - his school restricts the number of subjects he can do, the the 11th choice was Latin, and that's one too many. But at least the trip was fun, and he's come back feeling very naughty as he drank a bottle of limoncello (?) which I suspect is an italian alcopop. But then sensibly had lots of water.....

...it is wonderful to have him back and the house feels complete with him cluttering up the place. Curiously my own sense of order had gone to pieces in his absence...so there were dirty dishes piled to the ceiling, unclean laundry fair bursting out everywhere, and a general mess of everything all over the place. Thursday evening was spent restoring some form of order, safe in the knowledge he would turn the place into a shambles on Friday evening, allowing me to have a gentle parental moan. How fair and just is that!

Equally my diet returned to student days, consisting mostly of sausages and baked beans and sausages. Scarcely a vegetable passed my lips all week. So thank heaven's the boy has returned to restore my health as well.

I managed to restore some credibility to my social life in the boy's absence - three evenings spent gallivanting. Of most note was a splendid evening in rather desolate Milton Keynes to meet with a lovely blogger friend. MK was half way between the two of us so a sensible choice....but neither of us knew the place, so the cullinery highlight was an American Hot with olives in the shopping centre. I hope Milton Keynesians have other places to go because much as I love Pizza Express, and I really do, it isn't the same as a smokey old pub. Hopefully my companion for the evening won't feel the need to mention that finding my car after the pizza was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Ho hum.

So in between the mess and the going out a jolly week was had by all.

Highlight of Friday was Bermondsey street being full of burly men and police. No not a belated G20 riot, but the filming of an episode of Spooks. They requisitioned my local coffee shop, so thank heavens I'm on my caffeine free diet at the moment. Try as I did, I couldn't seem to attract enough attention to get roped in as an extra...you know 'man passing in the street'would have done. Expect it's because I don't have an equity card....



Low light was leaving the office early to make sure I was back for the boy, cycling as far as the Rotherhithe tunnel to discover it was closed, meaning I had to retrace my steps. Making me 40 minutes late...fortunately the boy's coach was even later. So apologies to the other parents who had to put up with a very sweaty me whilst they made charming conversation.

And on Saturday, more police and TV cameras, as THE funeral took place. Most of the roads were blocked off, and there were an awful lot of sarf Lunden accents to be heard, which makes a change from Essex dialect. And the concentration of perma tans was seriously depleted. Our local garage and foodstore had been counting his blessings, and expected to make a massive profit on extra sales today. Hopefully that'll mean he lowers the cost of a gallon of petrol on Monday. Some hope.




We however escaped to try and find a new car as the current one needs to be replaced. Foolishly we traipsed thirty miles there and another thirty back to look at a car that wasn't even in stock. Evidently as soon as they arrive, they're sold. Who said we're in a recession and the car industry is broke?

Mr Pourgourides

Mr Pourgourides was never destined for fame and fortune. When I knew him he was already well into his forties, had lost most of the hair on his head, and his belly was bulging comfortably over the top of his trousers. His sense of dress is best described as modest - a light grey sports jacket, pale shirt and non-descript tie with black trousers. All had seen better days, but still had a few years of limp life left in them. As I remember he was affable enough...good humoured most of the time, but with a grumpiness provoked by a classroom full of teenagers determined to see how far they could push him before he snapped. In less pc times, his thick mediteranean accent encouraged us to claim we couldn't understand half of what he said.

Mr Pourgourides did succeed in getting me a grade A in maths at 'o' level. Something I'm still pleased with as numbers are not something that much inspire me. So he was clearly a good teacher judging by the results. And if his name ever crops up when I'm with old school friends, he is remembered and talked about affectionately.

Mr Pourgourides has surprisingly had his fifteen minutes of fame.

This week's Horizon on the BBC featured the overrated (in my opinion - although he did once have a decent routine about Dad Pants) comic actor Alan Davies attempting to be re-inspired about maths, having found the subject too much to bare at school. To make his point, he returned to Bancroft's - a place that as far as I know he has never had a good word to say about - why the school let him back in, I have no idea. And indeed he didn't this time either, making the point that he remembers being excellent at sums at primary school. Personally I can't remember much about anything that I did at primary school other than enjoying British Bulldog in the playground. So the problem with Alan's maths seems to have started with Bancrofts and more particularly under the tutelage of Mr Pourgourides, whose name he brings up on a number of occasions.

So if you've got five minutes, catch up with Horizon on iplayer...you only have to watch the first five minutes to see Bancroft's, but in truth the whole programme is worth a viewing. But keep in mind, that if put to a vote, I suspect Mr Pourgourides would achieve favourable recognition as a maths teacher of note.

From hero to zero

I've got a bad habit. One I'm ashamed of. I'd like to give it up but I can't. I started it knowing I could handle it, but now I'm just obsessed.

I'm refering to the little site meter perched somewhere in the nether regions of the sidebar. I put it there because I wanted to know where my vistors were from...and even who they might be. And I'm delighted to have had vistors from every corner of the globe - Australia, Japan, Korea, Saudi Arabia, Chile, The Philipines, Obamaland, Canada and so on. Some come because they're looking for my blog, some arrive but dint of an erroneous Google search. An early example was the search for men and boys, then there was a few drawn by my mention of jingle bells, and last week someone searching for a cure for panic attacks. And that's all nice and I'm delighted to welcome anyone even if tey don't stay very long.

But the problem is, the meter creates a big chart of how many visitors have been and gone. Now, I'm not competitive in any way shape or form, but I do run a business, and whilst I don't know much, I do know that when a chart goes up that's good, and when it goes down, that's bad. And so I check the chart on a daily basis, just to see the month's progress. I don't want to, I just can't help it. It's especially bad because I started Don't Panic RTFM just for me so I don't forget things that I inevitably will as time goes by....and that is still very much the case. But, I can't help wanting to see the chart grow and grow. Of course today, the 1st of the month is as bad as it can get...as the monthly bar starts at 0 on the stroke of midnight.

I've given up tea and coffee for Lent - perhaps I shoud've given up my Sitemeter. Perhaps I should delete it, but then I'd never know who my foreigh visitors are Perhaps I should go to Sitemeter Addicts Anonymous.

Hush

Peace and quiet had descended over the home. Or at least an eerie silence. The boy departed on the school classics trip to Sorrento at 4.00 am Saturday morning. He felt the need to rise at 3.00, where as I had a leisurely lie-in until 3.30. Although the schoolis normally within easy walking distance, at that time of day it certainly wasn't. So we drove, having scraped the ice off the windscreen, and it took all of two minutes to get there. I apologise immediately to the environment for my selfish actions in adding unnecesary pollution, but I was tired and cold. All the other parents were gathered. Well actually, all the mums were gathered...clearly the dads had more sense. It's good to see that we live in a world of equality, and no sexual stereotyping exists at all. Whatsoever. In any way. Still, many of them are taking the opportunity to have a few days a way in warm foreign climes whilst their little treasures disgrace themselves in Italy. Foolishly I've allowed work to come before pleasure so will be in the office bright and early on Monday morning.

I returned home, but not to bed. Instead I elected to have hot drink (still on the caffeine free binge until Easter), hot shower, and then jumped on the motorbike to ride to Brighton...about twice as far as I've ever ridden before...so I'm not quite up to going round the world...just yet. It was early enough that I enjoyed the sunrise as I came over the Thames at the Dartford Crossing whilst mother nature did her best to blow me the several hundred (do I exagerate?) feet off the bridge and into the water. I arrived in one piece in Brighton to be met by a scene of indescribable destruction.

Yes, foolishly, I've had electricians in during our absence and a job that was supposed to last four days has already stretched to two weeks, and by the state of the place will go on for at least another seven days. (I know Laura you told me not to do this sort of thing again, but old habits die hard). The flat's on two floors, and the lower one had no power, and there was no TV signal to be found anywhere.

Unfortunately I couldn't head for bed, as I had more visitors due - a decorator, a floor layer and an Italian polished plasterer...all to give quotes. Two out of the three materialised, so at around 11 a.m. my bed beckoned. I rematerailised sometime in the afternoon, but in a completely befuddled state, in which I remained for the rest of the day and evening. So I wasn't much company at Moshi Moshi, but hey ho.

Sunday didn't help, with that lost hour taking it's toll...and now I can't work out whether my lovely Aussie friend is an hour closer or an hour further away. And no doubt by the time I've worked it out, it'll be time to put the clocks back again.

Back in Buckhurst Hill, I realise I've suffered from premature evacuation. It turns out that Jade Goody's funeral and the ensuing media circus is next Saturday, not this one, so my cunning plan to spend the time away has been in vein. I need to come up with plan B, and so far the best I can think of is to ring the TV companies and offer to allow them to park on my drive for an apropriate fee. Or perhaps offer tea and cakes to all those poor journalists who will have to stand outside whilst the service goes on in the church itself. So at £1 a cuppa and biscuits 25p each, I may yet find that I too can join the vultures and turn a profit out of this whole ghastly affair.

Oh and I should mention there was a message on my answer machine froma fellow parent tasked with letting me know the boy and his comrades in arms have all arrived safely. Good to know, even if it's forecast to rain there for the next week.

Soldier, soldier

The boy and his Dad have been somewhat troubled by him remaining unrewarded for all his exertions for the school. He's played rugby for the first and second teams, and swum in the junior team...but no 'Colours'. He's won the javelin during school sports two years on the trot. He's top of the class in history (when he wants to be) and also in English...but nothing to collect on Prize Day.

So we are very much delighted that he has been awarded 'Most promising Cadet' for his efforts since joining the CCF.

Stand tall and proud young man!

Death is all around

At the moment it feels that we're surounded by death...but fortunately not quite touched by it.

Natasha Richardson was very sad, leaving two teen kids and a grieving husband. Having bought a ski helmet for the first time this year, after some twenty years on the slopes,I have become something of an evangelist on the subject. And it could have been so different for her if only she'd worn a helmet. In most resorts now they're fashionable as well as safe. So I hope that anyone who read about her untimely passing, and heads off to the slopes either buys or rents some brain protection. For the boy, it's been required ski wear since the moment he first strapped some wooden planks to his feet, and now it's second nature to him.

I didn't initially pay too much attention to to the disappearance of Jude Richmond her and disabled daughter Millie. It seemed a sad piece of news and there was a sense that the search would end in only one way (as indeed it has). However, the radio was on in the office, and the news team were interviewing the ex-husband. The voice was immediately recognisable to me, and so I checked the story out on the web. Sure enough, it was someone I used to work with and I well remember the trauma of Millie's birth. A sad start to life and a tragic end, but from what I know the bit in the middle was joyous.

Lastly, the death of the year is Jade Goody. Whilst I thought her celebrity status was the ultimate comment on the vacuousness of our celeb-culture, I can't help but feel for anyone who doesn't live beyond 27 years...and her two small children. Her funeral will take place at a church just 150 yards from our house, and curiously she was brought up in Bermondsey where my office is.

So Mr Grim Reaper, no more death for a little while please

Harsh Dad

I seem to be out of kilter with the parental norms here in deepest Essex.

A couple of years ago, whilst sitting in an Austrian bar, the parents of a 17 year-old were saying how difficult they were finding it to stop him smoking. "We just don't know how he can afford it" they chimed. At that moment he walks in, and is duly handed the 15 euros he asked for. I wonder what he spent them on?

Last night I was chatting to a fellow parent and mentioned that as the Boy's attention to schoolwork has slipped somewhat, he was banned from MSN until after the school trip to Sorrento. "Oh I don't think I could get away with that" she said.

The Boy has a mobile phone allowance, and if he goes over it, he has to pay me double what the phone company charges. It seems a good way to encourage him to keep a check on how many texts and minutes he has left. "What a good idea, I wish I could do that" said another parent recently.

The boy gets pocket money - paid monthly into his bank account. He can spend what's in the account and no more.

"They all go down Starbucks and have a coffee and muffin, and that's £5 gone. Still I wouldn't want to stop her, so I give her extra" was the conversation with another mum. Well if the boy's got £5 he can go, and if not he can't. I remember Grandma in Cyprus lecturing us about the value of money. I hope the boy learns young. After all when he's 18 he inherits a goodly chunk from his mum, and neither of us can afford it going to his head.

All his friends have quite elaborate birthday parties, to which the guests bring a card and a present. Strangely (I think) the present consists of £5 notes. One child managed to accumulate over £500 from his friends gifts. The boy is banned from that - I make him find a present that's right for the person, although I will allow a book token or iTunes voucher.

I wonder if I'm just a grumpy old Dad.

Photo tag

I was tagged by the lovely Rosiero who writes a very brave and interesting blog http://alcoholicdaze.blogspot.com

The tag is to find the fourth photo in the fourth folder and tell the story behind it. Then I'm supposed to nominate four more. As usual, and just to be awkward, I'm going to do it a little differently...Grandma says its because I'm cussid, whilst I like to think I'm creative. Er erm.

Anyway, this is roughly the 4th of the 4th (depending on which way up I hold the computer), and I've waited roughly 4 weeks to do this...so hopefully that gets me out of nominating four more - but if you want to take up the challenge, please do just to get me out of this hole which I've dug for myself.

And here's the photo. As you can see it's been taken on a somewhat damp and overcast day. You may have guessed its Brighton beach. This is our annual gathering of friends and always takes place on the beach come rain or shine...and on this occasion it chose to shower...so the picnic courtesy of Monsieur Marks et Spencer got a little soggy.

On the far left is Adam, and then his daughter and wife. I met Adam through work, and we started a brainstorming group - meeting once a month at a tip top restaurant which also sold fireplaces (yes). Our best idea...and one that has on various occasions nearly come to fruition was to put a restaurant on the top deck of a London Double-Decker...a two hour tour with meal. Earned me a place on Dragons Den, but I ducked out last minute.

Then we have 'Fiercely competitive Dad'...who's very nice when he's not being competitive...and now his eldest daughter is faster than him on the ski slope, perhaps he'll relax a bit. Next to him is his youngest daughter who's anything but competitive. Further along is eldest daughter in the red stripey shirt...previously featured in our holiday photos. Only fifteen but probably devours boys for breakfast.

Sitting down is 'Mr Museum Designer'...yes he really dose that for a living. What a great job - I'd like to do that when I grow up. His wife says he's very grumpy. And he is, but he bares it with good humour. He's also very good at beach rounders - a game we play that drives everyone else off the beach.

The head behind the wall is the boy. You know him. He's probably with the daughters of Man Taking the Picture. I'm not sure they should be left alone together for so long.

And there I am, with now ex girlfriend. I'm 5'9", and she's 6', so she always looked down on me. Really lovely, sweet person. She's moved to Switzerland; I have another ex girlfriend who moved to Alaska. Surely it would be easier just to say they don't want to see me any more?

Next is ex-girlfriend of Man Taking Picture. There seems to be a lot of exes in this picture.

At the end is Wife of Mr Museum Designer (and her youngest), known in her own right as Ms Design PR. She was an angel when I first started up and for ten years we have been the greatest of friends, and always had a joint company Christmas celebration until a couple of years ago when at the very last minute she decided she preferred to go Xmas shopping in New York, causing our usual plans to fall into disarray; we've barely spoken since. Perhaps I should stop sulking.

There's another picture with us all smiling...after all why should a little rain stop a typical english picnic

When the weather improves in July, you're all invited.

Tow the line

I was once asked if I was to go somewhere interesting would I travel by motorway or country road. And when I return which route would I take. Evidently getting there by country road and coming back by motorway means I fall in love slowly, but fall out of love quickly. Be warned.

Completely unrelated, sort of, I spent most of last summer cycling the twelve and a half miles to work. I spent ages checking the maps to see which was the quickest route, and taking my life in my hands (or pedals) I've been following that route ever since. Its not very beautiful but it's quick - I do it in just under an hour. So this year I feel the need to find a different route. And I have. It makes the journey another four miles longer in each direction. But it's beautiful - I can take the path along the canal all the way from the Lea Valley Road to the Rotherhithe tunnel. And then coming back I can follow a slightly different route up the Regents Canal. I cannot believe the peace and tranquility to be found when going through some of the roughest and noisiest parts of smokey London. Simply stunning...here are some the siights to be seen:





Beautiful Bow Bridge



There'll be tears at bedtime



It really is the Olympic Stadium going up



Beauty in destruction



Brilliant grafitti



Another sort of crane



Methinks there used to be more



Duck!



Roadworks everywhere



Rotherhithe Tunnel...you can cycle through if you can hold your breath long enough



Amazing wrought iron stairs halfway through the tunnel



Three Mills



Recycle everything



Another crack in the wall



Some grafitti is stunning



Old Ford lock (I think)



What a character!







They used to make Matchbox toys here



The lock at Lea Valley

So if asked the same question now I would have to say...by slow boat in both directions

Happy Anniversay to me

Yesterday was the first anniversary of me starting blogging.

I spotted it today.

Dang! how I hate missing anniversaries.

Although Grandma in Cyprus will happily point out that hell will feeze over when I remember to send her a birthday card on time.