Monday 7 September 2009

50 not out

Today is the last day of the boy's summer holiday. All nine weeks of it. I know it's been nine weeks because his maths teacher told me on Saturday night after I danced with his wife. The maths teacher is looking forward to going back to school, I think the boy is too. He's spending his last day with his girlfriend. No doubt they'll take the dog for a walk in the Forest, and I hope Fido doesn't run away and get lost if his walkers are distracted.

We were at at 50th birthday party on Saturday night. This was not just any 50th party. This was an Essex 50th party. For the 110 guests, the champagne flowed all night. The marquee was large and luxurious. It did have a disco ball hanging from the centre. The waitresses kept us topped up with food and bubbly. The garden around was adorned with 750 sculptural lights which illuminated a 4' bronze sculpture of a running hare which had been specially commissioned for the celebrations. The talk was generally about life in the City, and a toast was given to 'the most important man in my life. The man who has made all this possible. Mr JP Morgan.'

The boy had been invited as a guest of the daughter who he's at school with, I was invited as a friend of the birthday girl. We were given a lift by the father of the boy's best mate, and he kindly collected us too. Whilst it made me feel young to be ferried around by a parent, it felt equally very uncomfortable too. As indeed did being the only singleton at the party, and having to respond to questions about where my partner was. The explanation that I didn't have one was met with astonishment, and I hung my head in shame. Next time I'll rent.

Not so long ago, I went to the 50th birthday parties of the parents of my friends, and it's taken the wind out of my sails a bit to discover that having gone through the engagement party stage, the wedding party stage, the house warming stage, the christening stage, the divorce party stage, I'm now at the half centenary party stage. Next it'll be the wake stage. And Grandma in Cyprus hasn't helpd by ringing to mention that it's Big Brother's fiftieth this year. I'd like to pretend there's a decade and more between us, but that would be a Big Fib. We count the difference in our ages in months, not years.

So Monday is not looking good - social pariah for not having a wife, and heading to my grave as a lonely old sod. I'm going back to bed and staying there. Or maybe it's time for fake tan,hair dye and a facelift. After all I do live in Essex.


  1. Divorce party! I missed out on that one... Can you have it retrospectively?

  2. LOL! Rent a woman, two a penny in Essex. No! Behave! TFx

  3. You are not going to die alone. We have a pact, don't be glum it ill becomes you x

  4. I think many men of your (read our) age will be looking at you with a rose-tinted singledom envy on Monday, and the bored wives will be wondering whether you would be worth knowing better! It must be very hard for you but I would let the others look on (ps if you don't have the car to die for, I would rent that for the day, it would really really upset the bored married middledom apple-cart!)

  5. Forget the facelift - it's time for that motorbike. And learning to rollerblade.

  6. Tim - yes. I'm waiting for the invite.

    TF - excellent - that's value, after all they're not cheap, are they?

    AG - of course...

    Kelloggsville - Gras is greener syndrome...I know it too well

    Brother T - Bugger, damn, bollocks - I already have the motorbike, and you should see me on my 'blades!

  7. Would you have to become an erstwhile footballer for the full Essex effect? And don't forget to wear chunky gold jewellery.


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