Birthday wishes

Dear Grandma in Cyprus,

It was lovely to speak to you yesterday and wish you a happy birthday, even though I have to point out it's very expensive to call you. I must say, though, that it wasn't very nice of you to take the call whilst swimming in your pool, as I don't have that luxury, especially just before I have to face another day at the office. Nor was it very nice of you to point out that for the umpteenth year on the trot, I am late with sending you a birthday card; I have at least put it in the post this year, and I think that is real progress. And it was especially harsh to mention that my brother sent his card on time. Sibling rivalry is never a great thing, especially when he gets the better of me.

Whilst I'm writing there are a few other things that irk, so I'd like to get them off my chest. It was very cruel to ring back later in the day to see if I'd called you again. I suspect you did this just so you could mention you'd been out. No doubt to see some friends, go shopping or spend some time at the beach. Some of us have to work you know. You might say that you've worked hard all your life so deserve some leisure and relaxation now. But I don't see it like that as I've got a long way to go until I can do the same.

Also I'd rather you stopped talking about the weather when we speak on the phone. As you know full well, it's always wet, soggy and grey here, and I don't need to know that it's sunny blue skies there, with temperatures in the mid-twenties even in winter. I think you do it just to taunt me. Churlish is the word that comes to mind.

And I'm not sure why you think it reasonable to tell us about the work which is being done at your house, particularly mentioning how quickly it gets done and at such a low cost. As you know full well, over here we have to put up with shoddy work, at high prices and it takes an eternity to get sorted. I think you're just boasting.

We're looking forward to coming over to visit later this year, so I want to make it quite clear that I expect to be able to use your house as a hotel, and have cooked breakfast every morning on the terrace. If you could make sure you cook us both a full meal in the evening as well, that would be fine. I hope you don't mind picking our clothes off the floor again, and driving us to see all the interesting places across the island. In return, we might buy you an ice cream on one day.

All the best

Your grateful youngest son