Monday 4 March 2013

Through the looking glass

I think I've been taking LSD.

That can be the only explanation for my life over the last four days.

I'm not objecting, it's rather fun and I hope it continues.

Before I start, I have proof-positive that lawyers are total w*nkers.  I write press releases for a living (you'd never guess it from the quality of writing here I know), and last week I had to write one about a brand of biscuits.  In it I described them as 'the nation's favourite biscuit brand'  The press release had to be checked by their in-house lawyers.  They came back and said the line had to be removed unless I could prove that it was true.  The line, in fact, came from their own website.

I had an e-mail this morning from the Royal Mail headed 'News of changes to our pricing', it goes on:

"We have announced that stamp prices will remain the same for 2013.

The price of a First Class stamp will remain unchanged at 60p.

A Second Class stamp will remain unchanged at 50p.

The price of a First Class Large Letter stamp will remain at 90p and a Second Class Large Letter stamp at 69p.

This morning I arrived in the office to a phone call from a very posh hotel in Paris.  In somewhat broken English, he explained that he had been given my number by The Ritz Madrid as the person who could help him get a better price for the deal.  I didn't know which deal, nor how I could help him.  I'm not a fixer.  He was reluctant to let me go as he was convinced I was the man he needed.  I wish I knew what it was all about.

On Friday, I received a random friend request on Facebook...normally I just delete them, but the name was familiar, so I decided to find out more.  As it turns out, this person is a very well respected well respected he's been listed for the Man Booker prize three times.  He is so well connected, that by accepting his friend request, I am now one step removed from many of the UK's best and biggest literary and media giants.  Of course, it's a massive mistake...I don't know who he thinks I am.  He doesn't have masses of friends, clearly quality not quantity is his mantra.  But by a remarkable turn of coincidence, over the weekend, I've been asked by to link up on LinkedIn by a literary agent and the marketing director of a top publishing firm...

Anyway, a true story from my new BFF:

"In Kabul there is still a synagogue on Flower Street. Two Rabbis who hated each other fought over it. One reported the other for sex crimes under the Taliban. This could have ended very badly. But Mullar Omar, head of the Taliban, was so fascinated by these two men's loathing for each other he let them off saying that it beat most Afghan feuds by a long way. One is now dead but the surviving Rabbi is a respected member of the local community."

I would like to apologise right here and now to my doppelgänger who is presumably missing out on all the fun...